Sportland 2014

As the summer trip to end the year, everyone always has high expectations for the weekend in Sportland. However with a broken gear car, committee members dropping like flies and dark clouds on the forecast, expectation were low. We could not have been more wrong, the week turned out to be an utter success!

Bus 1 and the replacement gear car sped down to Portland early in the morning on the Thursday in a bid to get to the Cuttings by the early afternoon. Myself and Ellie were greeted at Asda by ex-skipper Jim, who could only be described as fizzing with excitement to get climbing. Once tents were erected we were at the Cuttings by 3ish where Jim roped up and got on his nemesis Cutting Edge (6c+), and after working the route (and swearing) a bit he climbed the route cleanly, which was to begin his spree of nemesis route ticking. Charlie bravely got on a hard 4+ jamming crack appropriately named Jam and I stupidly misread the guide book and climbed Chips with Everything (5) as opposed to the 4+ I expected. Steven began operation ‘climb every route in Portland’ by climbing the direct finish of the Sod (6a), a cracking route which Emily backed off due to a dodgy shoulder, which unfortunately plagued her somewhat this trip, and myself and Ellie did the much easier indirect finish (5+?). Sam N-E set the standards high by leading Consummé (6a+).  Charlie led 100 Sunny Days (3) for Sophie and Harry to second, whilst myself and Ellie made an attempt at Hidden Treasure (6a) however with well-spaced bolts and two pidgeons violently assaulting each other on the ledge just above my head, we back off it by threading a bolt to lower off. However stupid me made a quite a mess of this simple task by getting the rope, the quick draw and the sling all stuck in the same bolt.

After a rough few hours sleep due to some pesky seagulls raiding our rubbish bins, we headed for the Battleship Area. Where I failed to lose any remaining confidence people had in my ability to lead the club by forgetting one of my climbing shoes, so poor Bitch Sec James had to drive me back to the campsite in order to retrieve the lost item. However in some respects I benefited from this as by the time we arrived back at the crag the rest of the group had only just got climbing. This was due to Jim leading them along what he described as a ‘fine’ path, whereas others described it in a far less optimistic tone. People quickly hopped onto the short and sharp routes of the Battleship Veranda where Ellie was told off for being on a route very close to a recent rock fall. I climbed Absent Friends, Here’s to Them  (5+) and we all warmed up on the tasty 3s and 4s before heading over to the Battleship block and back cliff to get on some long classics. People queued up to get on Dream of White Porches (5+) with a noticeably cool and stylish ascent by James McDonald (a man known for enjoying a good mince) and Charlie who didn’t quite make it past the top of the flake (next year without fail!!). Charlie also got on the deceptive 4+ Hate the Sin and Love the Sinner (definitely 5+ as graded on UKC) and employing a tactical alpine knee to overcome a mental wobbly half way up to complete a clean lead. Sam, Ellie and Steve all battled it out to climb the tough 6a The Price of Silence, all of whom fell victim to the pumpy finishing holds which Brad described the previous year as full of “slime”. However Sam and Steve powered through to a dogged ascent and Ellie redpointed the route. I must also raise attention to another massive dumb I did, by being encouraged to attempt a 6a+ on the Block, I took a couple of falls on what I thought to be a 6a+, which in reality turned out to be a 4; read the guidebook kids.

Sam on Price of Silence I believe. Just grabbing Brad's "slimey" hold by the looks of it

That night we initially eagerly awaited the arrival of bus 2 lead by Josh and Katie. However when news quickly arrived of their progress we quickly developed a certain frustration and lack of faith when we came to understand that they could not access their intended (and as far as Jim was incorrectly concerned, wrong) route down the M69 due to an hour long back up by Fosse Park. Luckily this problem was resolved swiftly but the bus was behind schedule and grumpy. By the time they were approaching the South well behind schedule the Thursday bus occupants were shattered, and becoming increasingly irritated as they were desperate for some shut eye. Fuelled by hunger and tiredness a pointless conflict between the two buses began over whether the Friday bus should arrive later after an Asda stop. That night our sleep was again disturbed by heavy rain and intense thunder and lightning, which resulted in the occupants of James Thyng’s (poorly erected by myself and Jim) tent becoming a tad moist during the night.

We woke up to a miserable morning so I quickly rushed ex-Bitch Sec Harry off to the train station with Bethan and Brad as passengers, motivated by my desire for a coffee in Weymouth. By the time we arrived back the sky was clearing over Portland so as a full party we decided to head back over the Battleship area so that bus 2 could get climbing on a wide variety of routes. We rocked up to the steep walk in which was aided by a fixed rope. I was the first decent and the walking was precarious and slippery after the night of rain, and the rope came into full use, but by the last person the decent had become a slide for one to go down on their bum, with the fixed rope preventing them from shooting down over the Veranda cliff and into the sea. People divided themselves into two groups, those psyched to send some long routes got down to the Back Cliff and Victims of Fashion Area where Ellie redpointed the two star route Pinch an Inch (6a), and Steven Thomas made an onsight ascent of the same route with beta, as well as Dream of White Porches being led by Josh and James. Bethan, Katie and Dave warmed on some leads on the Veranda and the Block, with Katie leading the polished route Braer Rabit which is undoubtedly on the upper end of 4, and with some encouragement Sophie learnt to thread the top bolts (another leader in the near future). Myself and numerous other took the opportunity for the few hours we had at the Battleship Area for some intense mincing in the heat, and James McDonald dropping another one liner in his usual dry, mocking humour “Sam, how many mistakes can one man make on the same route?!”.

Probably not the first time Steven has been caught with his pants down

By half three we packed up and rushed our way over to the Lighthouse Area for some Deep Water Soloing action. With insistence from Mr Hulbert and a desire to redeem myself for bailing out the previous year I was the first one to get on the Red Crane Traverse, a sharp and pumpy traverse which resulted in a numerous people falling victim to the water lapping at their feet including Charlie, Katie and Dave (who I’m beginning to believe enjoys getting wet). After a few rounds on the traverse we headed over to the easier, yet more intimidating route Temporary Lifestyles. Which I also got on first, and fell in due to more poor route reading (lack of glasses is my excuse for blowing the onsight). I was followed by a list of a string of other people before hopping back on the route with James Thyng as my guide dog and followed by Tom Yarnall who got particular credit of other club members for gunning it up the route despite a lack of prior climbing experience. Jim got back on the 7a route that was attempted the previous year, but to the delight of us all he got wet.. The day was ended by watching the sun set with a monstrous portion of Cod and Chips and a beer on Chesil Beach, followed by an unsurprisingly enjoyable game of ‘throw rocks at Jim’.

A half seven start promised another day of hot weather as we began rock hopping to get to the accessible route of Godnor Far North at Cheyne Weirs, whilst Jim and Jack smugly hung out at the more accessible Neddyfields, with its less accessible routes. Myself and Ellie hopped on to the 4+ Jody Sunsine and Jasper which turned out to be nails, and even had Ellie ashamedly grabbing at a quick draw. After a lot of people led the two star classic Jacob’s Ladder (5), with Charlie unfortunately not feeling well enough to complete the lead on the second attempt; people were undoubtedly suffering from the heat. Around this time our Geordie Bouldering wad Steve Howie was struggling with the heat and as such dragged a group of people to watch him crush the boulders at the Cuttings, where Brad and Lally had a good laugh attempting the Terminator (V6)

During this time Steven Thomas and Josh worked Starbuck (6a) however Josh sabotaged Steve’s attempt by greasing all the holds. Everyone began making their way over to Neddyfields in search of a greater challenge where we learnt of Jim’s and Jack’s respective successes on Julie Ocean (6c+) and Wonderlust (6b). Charlie and Katie cruised up of Bundle of Joy (4) In a hope to push ourselves a bit that day, myself and Ellie got on the ‘one move wonder’ Infelicity (6a) and then I attempted to work The Screwfix Escourt Agency (6a+), which Ellie unfortunately did not get a fair shot at due to rain, yet she kindly retrieved my quick draws. We scarpered before the heavens opened. After the sad departure of the Thursday bus and despite the highest sobriety levels of the year, Josh drank past my unrelenting alcohol snobbery towards his Strongbow and found himself far more giggly and talkative than the rest of the camp.

Cheyne Weirs = Mince Central

The Monday was a very early start to get the tents all packed up and to get to the legendary Blacknor cliffs, and began on a high as despite being an hour later to the crag than everyone else, myself and Josh secured a bargain price on the campsite as a result of some questionable maths skills. We defied death during the heart in the mouth walk in along the slippery walk in path where long grass provided the only protection to prevent a fall. People queued up to climb the beautiful flow stone line of Slingshot (5+), which Katie and Bethan  walked up on top rope (Both could have easily led the route) I belayed Lally up Cake Walk (6a) who managed a clean lead despite becoming intensely pumped on the final column. Josh was also very chuffed with his redpoint lead of the same route. Much to the amusement of everyone else, our immoral ex- Meet Sec Jack panic farted his way up Downtown Julie Brown (6c) whilst Howie wowed us all by waltzing up the mega classic Reptile Smile (6a+) only falling of the top holds. Myself and Ellie got on a classic route ticking expedition including Monsoon Malabar (6a) where Ellie cruised up with ease, where as I accidently cut loose on the easy starting arête which I saved by just catching the jug on top of the arête. Next up for me and Ellie was the mega classic and mega huge line of Pregnant Pause. I began first lead confidently but blew the crux moves a few times which was accompanied by heckling from Jim, Lally and Brad, so I backed off to allow Ellie an attempt, who crushed the stiff 6a+ onsight (jealousy factor high). The pressure was then on for my second attempt, where I held on for dear life and with a little beta in terms of climbing arêtes I made it to the awesome seat at the top! So psyched! We headed back over to the others. Where Jim was working the desperate line England’s Dreaming (7a+), which Jack set up the top rope for ;). After making us sit and watch him for an hour he finally sent the route which was an awesome ending to the trip. Chris, Katie, Dave and Bethan returned back from getting lost on Blacknor Beach during a ticking expedition and we headed back along the slightly less slippy walk in path.

To conclude what was an awesome first experience of being Captain of the ULMC I just want to congratulate the winners of the Wad of the Weekend competition Steve Howie and Steven Thomas. Howie, who employed his lank and brute strength to crush routes, and Steven who was a complete unit all weekend on his conquest to climb every route in Portland.

Credit to Charlie, James and Emily for the photos.